So, it turns out normality is great, but can dupe you into temporarily thinking nothing is wrong.

I had a lovely day yesterday seeing my eldest son off on a residential school trip (although he was moaning profusely about the weight of his bag and would only give me a hug in the side street) meeting a friend for coffee and doing some jobs in town, all very normal.

By the evening time I checked some emails and found a couple from friends imparting some really useful information for me about various different aspects of Breast Cancer. I was genuinely grateful for the information and the positivity in those emails. The problem was it got me thinking about the cancer (which I had successfully ignored all day) and what lies ahead. It also directed me to a couple of different websites which offer information and support – again great tools to have in your locker.

“What is the problem with that?”, you might ask.

The problem is I can’t decide whether it’s better for me to gen myself up on all the relevant procedures, treatments, options and side effects or to head straight into the next 12 months slightly blind and just deal with each thing as it comes.

My intelligent rational side says that I should skill myself up on all the treatments and options so that I can ask all the right questions and maybe even challenge decisions if I feel it necessary. After all, forearmed is forewarned. However, my emotional side tells me to stay away from all of the information available and just deal with one thing at a time, because every time I read up on something, I inadvertently find out something depressing I didn’t know before.

That’s what happened last night when I dipped into some websites.

I only read a couple of pages to learn a myriad of delights such as kids with parents who have cancer are more likely to suffer from depression to tamoxifen in pre-menopausal women may lead to osteoporosis.

In the end I had to stop.

I ended up having a bloody long cry with Dave, it all felt too much, too overwhelming and too miserable.

I wanted it to go away.

As in innately positive person I think I am struggling with the relatively bleak horizon. I know there are some positives and some good news stories and that this whole journey will teach me things, but last night I had a moment of not being able to see any of that. I guess that’s normal and to be expected.

I’m in better spirits again today. A long walk to the university and with a good friend on a lovely autumnal day has re-set my equilibrium.

I still don’t know the answer to my dilemma, but I am hoping it will become clear as I move through the process.