I have always been a crier. I can’t help it, when the tears come (happy ones or sad ones) I just can’t stop them.

My friends who know me well are fully aware of this and often rib me about it. I remember being at Max’s reception Christmas nativity almost 8 years ago and some of the tiny kids had learnt to play a carol with hand bells. The teacher stood up and held up the letters they needed to follow and the little kids concentrated so hard that when the firsthand bell went up, the tears started rolling down my cheeks. I wouldn’t care, it wasn’t even my child playing them! It was joyous to watch and I just couldn’t contain my emotion. My mates have never let me live it down.

I also cry at films. They could be kids’ films, serious films, it really doesn’t matter if an emotion is stirred in me tears will generally follow. The most recent one I cried at was ‘A Star Is Born’ (I’m an old romantic at heart too) and I went with a girlfriend. She managed to remain as cool as a cucumber whilst I didn’t just cry, I sobbed all the way through the end of the film.

So, as you can imagine, I am 3 weeks into this cancer journey and I have cried, a lot. You can probably count the number of days I haven’t cried on one hand. I don’t cry for long, it’s generally a little wave of emotion that comes over me when I am least expecting it and then it’s over just like that.

Whenever I cry, I generally end up apologising to whoever is on the receiving end of my tears, but really, I know I shouldn’t. Crying is good, it’s a release and it saves bottling up emotions. I am trying to teach Max to do the same with his feelings, to recognise them, sit in them and if the tears come, let them flow. I know he will feel better if he can achieve this, but it’s hard and I know even for some adults this is difficult.

Today, I had a bloody good sob. Joe asked for my phone this morning so he could look at his spellings (I’d taken a screen shot of them). When he opened the photos, my iPhone had done one of those little videos where they take a selection from your camera roll and splice them together into a video. It was called ‘Summer 2019’ and had Maroon 5 ‘Memories’ playing in the background. It was a visual reminder of what a cracking summer we’d all had, with both boys’ birthdays, Dave’s 50th and two lovely holidays. It was a stark reminder of how, as a family, we have lived life to the full over the summer, making the most of every minute. I am so grateful now that we did do all those lovely things, but it also served as a harsh reminder that the next 12 months will not be anywhere near as fun.

The boys see me cry all the time (almost weekly at Britain’s Got Talent or something equally ridiculous) but I didn’t let them see my tears today, I saved them for when they were at school. Whilst we need to face this cancer together and get through it as a family, I am desperately trying to get the balance right between honesty and protection. I don’t want to have to always but on a brave face for them because that would be disingenuous, but equally I don’t want them to see me when I crumble and frighten them to death.

I am hoping that I get the balance right naturally without having to think about it too much.

After all, as I said at the start, when the tears come, I just can’t stop them.